Memory

I’ve always had issues with memory. It’s always been hard for me to remember names, faces, birthdays… not just of the people around me, but also things from my own life. I don’t know what year I finished college, I barely remember my mother’s hometown, I don’t know what I ate the day before yesterday, and I can’t even recall how my first relationship started.

It’s something I feel really embarrassed about, and it’s prevented me from deepening many relationships. Often, even when I really like someone, I don’t think about them unless they’re right in front of me. In one-on-one conversations, I think my brain is often just trying to impress, trying to “pass the test,” which leads me to not pay the right kind of attention, to not really absorb things properly. And it’s hard to be a good partner, or even a good friend, like that.

I think a lot of this stems from my childhood, from growing up with very few friends. From feeling like that was a failure and trying to “win people over.” From putting a lot of pressure on myself to do things right, to get results.

But who I’ve been doesn’t have to be who I am forever. Lately, I’ve been trying to take notes, to write things down. It sounds super creepy to have files on the people I care about, but it’s basically just a well-organized journal. It’s a way of signaling to my brain, “Hey, I want to remember this moment, I want to remember this person, I want to get to know them.” And so far, it’s been helping me get a little closer to people, and that alone makes me happy.

I guess if I’m present for what really matters in the moment, my lack of memory doesn’t have to be such a big deal. But I don’t want to keep losing people over the years. I want friendships and relationships that last.

I want to remember the beautiful moments so I can always feel happy that I lived them.