lonely

At some point I’ll write a post about my gender transition. Because about a year ago, I decided to end it, and just detransition. Today is not that day, yet. But there’s something that has been bringing me down, and it’s related. I feel lonely, and the “male loneliness epidemic” is starting to feel much more real and less of a joke.

Thing is, pretty much my whole social life for a lot of years (2016-2024, roughly) has been built around been trans. To be honest, more “my life” than my “social life”. My whole identity was being trans, and queer, and a bit of bdsm, and polyamorous, and… I don’t know, I was quirky in all those ways. And I had similar people around me, that resonated with that lifestyle, in general.

After detransitioning, I have lost a big chunk of that identity. It’s like a mask falling off, but with a lot of fear of what’s behind it, of how people will react. I haven’t had problems with anyone not accepting that detransition, or anything. But I have realised that, after all these years running away from anything that smelled “normal”, I would kinda want a small dose of normal around me.

For example, I don’t have male friends. I always thought that I shouldn’t care, that it doesn’t make a difference. For the longest time, I have participated in many mysandric jokes. And I’m reaping now what I sowed. I love my friends, and they are a tremendous support and a true light in my life. But I feel now far from them, isolated. I want to do dirty jokes, to be a bit rough, to have some banter and some teasing. And I just can’t find that in the people that surround me. We share so much more, but I feel like there’s something missing. I feel like a pressure pot, without any way to vent that kind of steam.

And regarding dating, it’s really hard not comparing myself to others. Not feeling like I’m now not normal enough for those normal girls. Not queer enough for the queer ones. I’m supposed to be bisexual, I’m terrified of letting that label fall down, but I can’t even imagine myself having a boyfriend…

I don’t know. Sorry for this vent. I needed to let it all out somewhere.

I’m afraid of being alone.