Sometimes I feel like I have been a thousand different people. Like I'm still many of those. Like I have many identities left to live...
I was raised as a boy, but never quite fit. I felt anxious, out of place, and ran away from myself most of my life. I felt my identity, and not just my supposed gender, more like a box than a foundation. I felt the world chopping me to pieces, I felt myself contorting myself to fit in the narrow space. I shaved away so many parts of who I was, I severed so many possibilities of who I could have become... But maybe, that's just growing, isn't it?
A few years ago, not so many, I started creating a new identity based around the queer concept of gender. I came out as transgender, first as a woman and later as nonbinary. In this path, I have explored all possible labels, I have been a gay man, a bisexual woman, a pansexual nonbinary person, an asexual genderless entity... I have fit in so many boxes, I have change so often...
I would love to say that I don't remember who am I anymore. But to be honest, I'm not sure that I've ever known, that there is actually someone to be. Is there a "me" that will feel more real than the rest? Are the others fake?
I'm scared. Will finding me render my past a fiction, a failure? Were all those boxes necessary?
Some days, I still want to feel a woman, to live a life that feels real, like half of the population seems to do. I think I would like to try, but I'm afraid of failing... Other days, I wonder, how would it feel to be a man, with all that I have learned along the way? Now that I'm more confident, more caring, more feminine, maybe I could be one of those few kind men...
Maybe I'm supposed to live all my life in the middle, in constant flux between identities. Maybe I'll always be too afraid to explore the extremes, to afraid to live as a woman or to go back to being a man. Maybe this indecision will grow to be my true identity.
But to be honest, maybe I don't want to play this game anymore. Maybe I'm fed up with fitting your boxes. Maybe there is enough frustration in my voice, enough pain in the mirror, enough fury in my heart to give you the simple "Fuck you" that this world deserves.
My only true me is my actions, I'm a simple knot between my past experiences, my present actions and my future consequences. Don't catalogue me, I'm forever unique.
Fuck you. With love.